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Joke of the Day

"I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave. *Adds track star to resume*"

"The thief who stole my calendar... Got 12 months."

"I couldn't remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half"

"Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go."

"Sarah Palin is going to Haiti? Haven't these people been put through enough this year?"

"I had sex with my girlfriend while camping once... It was really fucking in tents!"

"Small problem with Donald Trump's like logic. Yes Donald, you can build a wall, yes you can make the Mexican's pay for it. But who's gonna build the wall?"

"our top story today after a disappointing summer Humpty Dumpty has a great fall"

"now it's the scientists' turn to hide and the Higgs boson has to find them"

"I like my coffee like I like my women... Fresh and white."