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Joke of the Day

"[out to eat with in-laws] Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne Wife: Hey these are my parents Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water"

"This guy next to me says my cigarette smoke is bothering him. I'm like: Well, it's killing me and I'm not bitching about it."

"I had a dream last night... ...that I was eating a massive marshmallow, it was huge! And then when I woke up this morning, my pillow was gone!"

"A juice bar called Just Kale Yourself."

"Hey dude, can you make a pamphlet for me? For you bro? Sure."

"What do you call it when an Eevee (Pokemon) evolves into what you want with no interruptions? DirecTV (Say it aloud)"

"What is green, fuzzy, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree? A pool table. [Thanks, Wagon Train camper!]"

"Ugh your paleontologist friend is coming? He's so boring! Don't worry, I have a plan to keep him distracted *pulls out seven layer dip*"

"""Penguins mate for life. Isn't that romantic?"" You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it. ""You're my penguin."""

"I'm on the fermented barley diet... and I've never felt better."