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Joke of the Day

"Colonel Mustard invited me to the library to check out his candlestick collection, but I dunno... I got a bad feeling."

"How is education going to make me smarter?"

"Obama:*sits down and whoopee cushion makes fart noise* what th- JOE Biden:*tears in his eyes, points at trump* HE WAS SUPPOSED TO SIT THERE"

"""I'm dreaming about mashed potatoes"" Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow ""No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual"""

"When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, ""I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through."""

"I won't undo a retweet in case someone finds it offensive. I just knit them onto pillows and give them as Christmas gifts."

"What do you call a hooker fart? A prosti-toot"

"Just so we're all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can't make a cell phone call from my basement."

"What is a terrorist his favourite car? A Citroen C4"

"I wish I could hang out with Gwen Stefani. We would discuss which shit is/isn't bananas."