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Joke of the Day

"[at gym] me: [wiping down equipment after finishing with it] cute girl: you don't have to do that with the vending machine. are you crying"

"i guess my favorite book would haveta be ""being and nothingness""... i was halfway done before i even started reading."

"What happened to the indian who drank too much tea? He drowned in his tea-pee."

"What do you do when a gay man is choking? Take your dick out of his mouth. im sorry"

"Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched? ... CIA: They're*"

"""Hand me downs"" Apparently not the right way to ask the wife to hand me our disabled baby."

"my mom discovered slang. she just texted me ""sup?"" and i wrote back ""not much nigga! just cold kickin it with my breezies!"""

"When do you care for a man's company? ""When he owns it."""

"I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early."

"I can't take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It's still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag."