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Joke of the Day

"""Dad. Dad. DAD! Please just come home. You promised us you'd stop after Volume 46."" - Creator of NOW! That's What I Call Music's children"

"So i asked this girl to have phone sex with me.. She said she cant, because she has Virgin Mobile.."

"[sees cute girl at the bar] ok it's go time [makes accidental eye contact with her while pumping myself up with some lunges] dammit. abort"

"What medical specialty will start to experience large fluctuations in income from payers? Eurology"

"A man goes to visit the doctor Man: Did the test results come back? Doc: Yes, and the prognosis isn't good. Man: Well how long do I have? Doc: About 10. Man: 10 what? Years? Months? Doc: 8... 7...."

"Q: What do sneezes wear on their feet? A: Ahhh-shoes."

"What do a flat-earther, a Nazi, and YOU have in common? They all get one vote."

"Every time I think I've come up with a great FB status and no one likes it I die a little inside"

"My wife is an angel. All my friends are jealous because their wives are still alive."

"One of my terrorist friends decided to bomb our only good coffee machine in all of Yemen... Pissed as hell, he said he hates french press"