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Joke of the Day

"How long do I have to lay on the couch in the same position before I can call it ""yoga""?"

"I keep swallowing live ammunition. I thought, this time I'm going to go to the hospital, but as usual, I just farted a round at home."

"HER: You've run over my dog ME: I'm so sorry HER: You're gonna have to replace him ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please"

"I hate when people say ""you always want what you don't have"" like that's really insightful and not just explaining the definition of ""want."""

"And the Lord said to John, 'Come forth, and you will receive eternal life' But John came fifth, and won a toaster."

"What's the difference between purple and pink? Your grip!"

"What's the difference between a dim monster and a birthday candle? The candle is a thousand times brighter!"

"Saying Romney would handle the economy better is like saying ... ... one of your friends is ""good with women"" because he's a convicted rapist."

"How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? you knock on the door."

"So far, not a single girl I've asked is interested in a fling. I don't think they trust my human catapult."