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Joke of the Day

"My local barber was busted today for dealing drugs. I'm in shock. I've been a loyal customer for years and I had no idea he was a barber."

"What's worse than lobsters on your piano? Syphilis"

"It's funny how certain scents can bring back memories of people we associated with those scents like how I remember my ex every time I take a shit."

"If okcupid is all that great, then why would you need a 3 or 6 month subscription ?"

"""I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this."" -me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I'll try shouting"

"What did Vizzini say when he heard of your mom's abortion? Inconceivable."

"You know, I used to hate my haircut... ... but it's really growing on me!"

"A Blonde is driving in her car and turns on the radio. It says that 2 Brazilian men were killed. She starts crying and says, ""How many is a Brazilian?"""

"[phone rings] ""Mr Hughes?"" ""Yeah."" ""We need u to come pick yr son up from school."" ""Ugh. Whats he done now?"" ""Nothing. Its nearly midnight."""

"Two envelopes had a baby It was male"