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Joke of the Day

"Congratulations are in order. I just got the stitches in the roof of my mouth removed from that bowl of Cap'n Crunch I had when I was 13."

"You know what they say.Once you go black.... you're a single mother."

"Don't be sad laundry.. No one is doing me either"

"Lorax: I am the Lorax, I speak for the trees! They have a crush on you Brad! Trees: What? We did not say that! Tell Brad we didn't say that!"

"Why was Santa upset he got a sweater for Christmas? Because he wanted a screamer of a moaner."

"Did you hear about the stupid Kamikaze pilot ? He flew 57 missions !"

"What is the difference between a call center job and a large pizza? A large pizza can feed a family of four."

"Earlier today I walked by a PERFECTLY S-shaped dog turd & didn't tweet a photo of it so I guess what I'm saying is that I'm growin up, guys"

"Don't you hate it when sentences don't end the way you think they octopus?"

"I'm not saying I'm antisocial, but even when someone asks me how I'm doing I just tell them to Google it."