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Joke of the Day

"Earlier today I walked by a PERFECTLY S-shaped dog turd & didn't tweet a photo of it so I guess what I'm saying is that I'm growin up, guys"

"[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color...is it...gray? [OTHER DOG] oh my GOD"

"When I was a kid the swear jar at my house was always empty because my sister was a goddamn fucking thief."

"Never remove the shells from racing snails it makes them sluggish"

"I formed a band with my therapy group. It was fun for a while, but we couldn't make it big. Our album 'Appetite for Self-Destruction' didn't do well with the critics."

"What would twitch.tv's mafia be called? El Kappa"

"Today may be the hottest day of the year but all the other days have nicer personalities."

"""I found some shit in your room...No, I found actual shit. Feces...Well I should hope it's from your shoes, otherwise what the fuck?"""

"I just read an article about the dangers of drinking that scared the crap out of me. That's it. No more reading!"

"The only B word you should call a girl is Beautiful Bitches love to be called Beautiful"