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Joke of the Day

"[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE'S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN'T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD"

"What do you call a French cow that grows sprouts instead of fur? Chia LaBeouf"

"I am aware that I am less than some people prefer me to be but most people are unaware that I am so much more than what they see."

"A man and a fortune teller make a compromise and reach a happy medium."

"ME: i need a loan so i can build a robot army to take over the world with BANKER: what M: oops i meant 'with which to take over the world'"

"What's the difference between Eric cartman and deez nuts? One is a dick from Southpark, the other parks south of my dick"

"Did you hear about the stupid woodworm? He was found in a brick."

"I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs."

"What's the different between a wife and a smoke detector? One, you can turn off without even trying. The other, you spend all day waving a dish cloth at."

"How did Kikkoman soy sauce move production to China? They outsauced it."