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Joke of the Day

"I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria. Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard."

"You better take care of me Lord, if you don't you're gonna have me on your hands."

"Who gets the most ass in college? The chair"

"What's the difference between my girlfriend and a cow? Cows are real."

"mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!? [flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift's ""Love Story"" in the car on the way over] me: Yes"

"For father's day, I took my father out. Now I don't have to remember to wish him."

"Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best"

"Why do french people eat snails ? They don't like fast food."

"*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*"

"This mop seemed a lot more exciting on the infomercial."