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Joke of the Day

"[work email] Me: Can I meat the new guy? Boss: Meet? Okay, sure... Me: Great! *hides bag of steaks*"

"So I called the suicide hotline earlier... I was answered with, ""Thank you for calling Mr. Archipelago0. We will be processing your request shortly."""

"Zombies must be great with girls. They're always getting into their guts."

"Why does a squirrel swim on its back? To keep its nuts dry."

"I have two dance styles: Sober, dancing silly as a ""joke"" or drunk dancing with confidence, same exact moves."

"What is the only reason Donald Trump watched the Olympics? To see how high Mexican pole vaulters can jump"

"Jay Z should give credit to those who came before him ...like Sandra Dee and Danny Kaye"

"How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? That's not funny."

"I'm going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, tell them, I'm outstanding."

"What's worse than finding out that your wife has cancer? Finding out it's curable."