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Joke of the Day

"My friend told me he wanted to plant an orchard. I told him to grow a pear."

"Facebook does NOT need a dislike button. It's just gonna start more drama."

"Tasty Tattoo My girl just got a tattoo of a turkey on one thigh and Santa Claus on the other. She wants to show that there *is* something good to eat in between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

"What do you call the Italian slums? The spaghettos."

"A guy calls his wife to say he's had an accident at the factory He says, ""I got my finger cut off!"" She asks, ""The whole finger?"" He replies, ""No, the one next to it."""

"Cop: license and registration please. Me: (gives cop both) Cop: you drinking tonight? Me: no. Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans."

"Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire. Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I'm putting the fires out."

"What did the banana say to the vibrator? I don't know why you're shaking, she's gonna eat me."

"Astronomers got tired of watching the moon go round the earth for 24 hours, so they called it a day. I'm sorry. Edit: FFS guys it's a ruddy joke. It doesn't have to be scientifically accurate"

"Gays in the military ""If gay men were allowed in the army, Saving Private Ryan will be a lot shorter, because it wouldn't take them 3 hours to find Matt Damon"" Adam Hills"