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Joke of the Day

"My daughter wanted me to treat her like a princess So I let her get stolen by a giant, mutant turtle."

"What's the difference between a four year old and a bag of cocaine? Eric Clapton would never let a bag of cocaine fall out a window."

"I like my women how I like my weather moist and unstable."

"Maybe we should put Obama on the $20 bill Then we would finally get the change he promised."

"Donald trump wants to run for president, Why not? Wouldn't be the first time he's pushed a black family out of their home. (Snoop Dogg - /u/Here_Comes_The_King )"

"I want to write a Choose Your Own Adventure where half the choices lead to a page that just says ""Really?"""

"I've never skydived but I've checked Twitter on my phone while standing over a toilet. So, I get the gist."

"What do you get when you mix a monkey and a midget? Tom Cruise"

"What does a Native American Biologist live in? ATP"

"Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector This tweet is brought to you by Tesco"