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Joke of the Day

"What do you get when you mix a monkey and a midget? Tom Cruise"

"*comes into work with black eye* oh please I'm fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into"

"I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night."

"I was surprised that my skin products kept moving around my medicine cabinet But it turns out it was just brownian lotion."

"*corrects your grammar incorrectly, winks at your date*"

"I bought some shoes from a drug dealer today... I'm not sure what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day."

"A liberal, a moderate, and a conservative walk into a bar... the bartender says 'hey, Mitt.'"

"Did you see that awesome joke on reddit? Yeah, I reddit.."

"Immigrants are like sperm millions get in but only one works."

"A man waiting for a heart transplant... ... says ""I only want the heart of a dead lawyer."" ""Why?"" asks the doctor. ""I want one that's never been used."""