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Joke of the Day

"Psychologists say that the left half of the brain is responsible for both kleptomania and numeracy. It's the taking part that counts."

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"I'm a straight white guy who gets sad and is terrified of intimacy. Give me my own show! I am so unique!!!!!!"
"A blonde a brunette and Ellen Pao walk into a bar... This content has been censored by Ellen Pao because it was harassing her personal interests"
"[family hears me pull in driveway] wife: please don't wrestling announcer: sorry ma'am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK"
"I once made a belt out of herbs. It wasn't very useful and just ended up being a waist of thyme."
"What's Sean Connery's favorite sport and when does he play it? Tennish"
"My daughter wants to know when the hamster we ""planted"" in the garden will start growing."
"Today, A 12 year-old came up to me and said ""May I please have a cigarette?"". I can't believe kids this age are already so polite."
"[looking at ceiling of Sistine Chapel] mmm its a little busy."
"Q: How many Wardrobe people does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: ""Nobody said I needed doubles on that!"""