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Joke of the Day

"I'm a straight white guy who gets sad and is terrified of intimacy. Give me my own show! I am so unique!!!!!!"

"My wife has a tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh ... ... and if you hold your ear against it, you can smell the sea."

"Tell me more about how you don't have to work out often because you get too strong too fast. Man what a predicament"

"I ate two pieces of string yesterday. Today I pooped them out and they were tied together.. ..I shit you knot."

"What do you get when you cross a Star Wars ship with math? A Pi fighter"

"How can you tell if your sister is on her period? Your dad's dick tastes funny."

"It annoys me that Engineering students call themselves engineers.. You don't hear medical students calling themselves doctors, or art students calling themselves unemployed."

"What did the comedian eat on Easter? Hot cross puns."

"My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we've lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped."

"If aliens are supposed to be so much more advanced than us, how did ET not know about texting?"