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Joke of the Day

"Despite my drinking, I can honestly say I've never gone to bed with an ugly woman But man I've woke up with a few."

"I've been eating healthy for six whole hours now. Why am I still fat?"

"Why is a baby like an diamond? Because it's a dear little thing."

"*Girl opens Xmas present* ""Why'd you get me carrots and lettuce?"" ""Wait but that means-"" *Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*"

"it's been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can't get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon.."

"I lift the toilet seat to take a piss and my girlfriend forgot to flush and the water is red. My first thought.... ...do we have any juice boxes in the fridge?"

"Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater."

"New Scientist magazine reports that a team of British engineers in Bristol have developed a car that runs on human shit ...I bet that ""new car smell"" doesn't last very f*cking long."

"What did the man say when he put his package into a mailbox? ""I thought it was a female box"""

"What do you call an incredibly flexible chicken with an alien wristwatch? Bent Hen."