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Joke of the Day

"Why did the turtle cross the road? To get to the shell station."

"Drugs are really bad for your mind. All these years I thought I worked in an office, but it turns out I'm actually a centaur."

"I think deja vu is bullshit and this isn't the first time I've thought that."

"Hobbies include: 1. Crying about the past 2. Procrastinating in the present 3. Worrying about the future"

"My own ass has been talking shit... but it's just a bunch of hot air."

"why did the cyclops close his school because he only had one pupil"

"What is the difference between your wife and your job? After five years your job still sucks."

"You are my methods. I am nothing without you."

"What did the super smart dude say to the moron?"

"WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened? ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea"