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Joke of the Day

"judge: ""you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?"" me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] ""that's correct"""

"I'm thinking about taking a break from drinking . I hear drinking too much water can be deadly"

"What has 2 legs but doesn't use them? A man named Bob running down a train track (only Asians will understand)"

"That's it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You'll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix."

"I'm working on organizing a circlejerk. It's coming together."

"What is a composer's favorite vegetable? Bach choy."

"Before and After Sex Before sex,you help each other get naked. after sex,you only dress yourself. moral of the story? In life no one helps you once your fucked!"

"Q: What is the best Iraqi job ? A: Foreign Ambassador"

"Do you have any motivational books? Yeah, they're in the back. (long pause) Do you have any that are closer?"

"My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn't sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel."