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Joke of the Day

"[wakes up & turns to wife] ""I had a nightmare. You died."" ""Aw. It was just a-"" ""Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast."""

"unicorns are really just weaponized ponies."

"Wanna hear a joke? Modern society"

"I put my phone on airplane mode. Now I can't find it."

"When a relative asks me what I'm doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he's doing."

"I want to visit Antarctica some day... It's such a chilled out place and the people there are really cool."

"I'm a scientist that's researching beastiality between humans and dogs You'll find me in my lab"

"""Hey can you take our picture?"" ME: yea sure *takes picture* ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*"

"What do you do to a chemist after they're dead? you barium"

"What's a cats favourite alcoholic drink? Whiskers on the rocks"