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Joke of the Day

"Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip ""Syrian Refugee 1 and 2"" onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles."

"What did the Mexican firefighter name his two sons? Jose and Hose B. It sounds better when said aloud."

"My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I'll take it"

"Twitter has messed me up. Now when someone says something I like in real life, I gently place my hand on their face and whisper ""favorite""."

"Judging by his physique, I'd guess Popeye's a pretty accomplished masturbator."

"How many dead babies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Obviously more than 8, because my basement is still dark."

"My grandfather's dying wish was to be pushed in front of a steam train. When it finally happened, he was chuffed to bits."

"My friend likes to make carvings of people of religion in his spare time. You'd like a punchline to this, wooden jew."

"Turtles think tortoises are pretentious as hell."

"May you always be the one looking confused standing in the back of a group selfie"