56001

Joke of the Day

"""I'm so self-conscious"" ""I'm a very private person"" ""I'm the shyest person I know"" *posts 43 selfies a week* - girls on Instagram"

"What's the proper name for a continually chafed asshole? ""Mr. President."""

"What does a feminist get when she can't afford a punching bag? A boyfriend."

"What's the thing u don't tell a vampire? Bite me."

"Using only a paperclip, taffy, and rubber band, MacGuyver left another shitty tip."

"What do you call an autistic kid that accidentally ate a pot brownie? A baked potato."

"WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?! MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham. W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor."

"Need an ark? I Noah guy."

"What do you call a little kid with no friends? A Sandy Hook survivor."

"my default response when someone questions a risky text of mine is ""sorry, I was drunk."" But now everyone thinks I'm an alcoholic so..shit."