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Joke of the Day

"I call my mom and step-dads marriage "" 12 years a slave"". He is the slave."

"There's no wrong way to eat a Reeses Tell that to my uncle who used to put them in my underwear"

"Who do fish listen to when they want to hear some dubstep? Krillex."

"As an atheist, I often wonder : ""what would Jesus do ?"" and then I do nothing"

"Whenever Barry Allen is around, everything happens in a flash"

"5-year-old: *hits her sister* Me: Keep your hands to yourself. 5: Me: 5: *kicks* Me: And your feet. 5: Me: 5: *headbutts*"

"Ladies, please. Get a hold of yourselves. There's enough of me to disappoint all of you."

"Coworkers: Zack, you should come to a hookah bar with us! Me: Why? Who's celebrating their 12th birthday?"

"*hears robber in house* If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I'm not afraid to use it. ""What's Updog?"" Not too much haha you? ""Robbing you"""

"There is simply no need to add ""NSFW"" in your bio. This is twitter. None of us have jobs."