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Joke of the Day

"Hello, welcome to the evening news, where we're going to scare the shit out of you for 45 minutes, then weather & sports. Stay tuned."

"*flips a quarter into jukebox from across room, jukebox spits it back at me, it goes down my throat, ""wake me up before you go-go"" plays*"

"A sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says, ""Sorry we don't serve food here."""

"You wanna know why me and my wife don't see eye to eye anymore after 26 years of marriage? She lost her legs so we're no longer the same height. edit: I'm sorry, I thought this was /r/antijokes"

"Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out."

"Who makes the best milkshakes ever? Michael J. Fox."

"Who is the Sith Lord of fear? Count Spooku"

"I tried to sign up to a website yesterday. I put in the password 'beefstew' But it said the password wasn't stroganoff."

"Why is Man Utd's chemistry lacking? Because they are held together by weak van den Gaal's forces."

"I woke up next to a girl this morning... She must have been absolutely wasted, she didn't know who I was, Although that may have been the Roofies I slipped in her drink."