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Joke of the Day

"New dad as of today, so here is my first dad joke. What do you call it when you accidentally butcher your heifer instead of your steer? A Ms. Steak."

"What's the difference between marmalade and jam? You can't marmalade your cock up your girlfriends ass."

"If someone's mean to you, just lean in and whisper ""I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world"" to them & get that monstrosity stuck in their head."

"I used to steal other people's jokes. I still do, but I used to, too"

"Sometimes I'll casually say ""what else do you want?"" on the phone, so the pizza guy thinks I'm ordering for more than just me."

"Every time I go for a run I think ""why am I even doing this?"" Then I look back and see all the cops chasing me and it's like ""oh yeah, duh."""

"TwoXchromosomes is so annoying. It sounds like a bunch of crying girls all joined up in one place."

"What do a politician and a sperm have in common? One in thousnads has a chance to e a human being. ~Edit: I edited the title."

"Sometimes I use words that I don't even understand myself. I think, it makes me look more photosynthetic."

"Don't get me started on trigonometry... I'll go on a tangent."