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Joke of the Day

"LUCY: Dad, how did I get my name? [flashback] ME (signing contract in blood): Ok but can we at least shorten it? LUCIFER: That's fine"

"Good credit is like Good Pussy, It sticks around until the money is gone."

"Jesus walks..... Jesus walks into a holiday inn, tosses three nails on the counter and asks, "" Can you put me up for the night?"""

"Did you hear about the vampire bicycle that went round biting people's arms off? It was a vicious cycle."

"Years after presidency, the introverted former president Obama is asked if he has ever had an affair. He responds with ""I've never been one to cum outside of Michelle."""

"Instead of an accountant, hire a philosopher to do your taxes. It's the thought that counts."

"I was once raped by a gang of mimes. They performed unspeakable things to me!"

"Why did truffle get invited to the party? Cos he was a fun-guy"

"Watermelons and Catcuses There are two watermelons and two cacti. One cactus says to the other ""Damn look at those melons!"" The Watermelons reply ""Wow they're such pricks."""

"I keep pushing the potato button on the microwave, but alas, no potato. :("