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Joke of the Day

"My girlfriend said we should split up because she can't handle me acting like a detective all the time... ""GOOD IDEA!"" I said... ""We can cover more ground that way!"""

"My doctor told me that I had Eczema on my elbow... I told him that was pretty redundant. Eggs on my on my elbow? So much for that PhD. I just hope it goes away before they hatch..."

"Sunday is the only day of the week I can say, ""I'll do it in a minute,"" never do it, and not feel guilty."

"A woman is suing Disney claiming that Frozen is based on her life. She sounds like a cold bitch."

"Whenever my neighbor looks like they want to speak to me. I collapse to the ground motionless as if I were one of Andy's toys."

"Q: What was the most flexiest dinosaur? A: Tyrannosaurus Flex."

"You're mom is so poor... that if someone gave her the finger. She'd say thank you."

"So a lumber jack was severely injured this evening... It was quite the accident."

"Judge: how do you plead? Me: [looks at lawyer] Lawyer: [mouths ""not guilty""] Me: hot milky L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up"

"What have you got if your pet kangaroo gets into molasses and Indian curry? An Indian goo roo"