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Joke of the Day

"[walks up to guys playing basketball] ""mind if I join?"" you any good? Hell yeah I'm good. Toss me the orange sphere"

"""I'd like to raise a toast."" *Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*"

"What do you do if you find a trumpet growing in your scottish garden? You root it ooot!"

"Saw a really attractive woman the other day... She was wearing a miniskirt and a really low-cut shirt and I kept thinking to myself, ""Don't get a boner. Don't get a boner."" She did...."

"""TALIBAN OFFICIAL ACCIDENTALLY SENDS OUT COLLEAGUES' EMAIL ADDRESSES"" Apparently, he hit ""Reply Allah"". Heyoooooooo!!!"

"What do you call a Tolkien creature who studies insects? An *Ent*omologist"

"A tombstone that has a scrolling LED marquee of your greatest tweets."

"How long do you need to know someone before sharing fries? Because I'm about to introduce myself to the girl at the end of the bar."

"*grandma sobbing at my graduation* ""Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there."" *wipes tear* ""But they didn't want to come."""

"The forest animals are about to rip me apart but suddenly they back off. Hillary Clinton emerges from the trees. The animals bow their heads"