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Joke of the Day

"What Did the Fish Say When He Swam into a Wall? Damn."

"You tell one kid there's candy inside an electrical outlet that can only be retrieved with a fork and you're never asked to babysit again"

"My mind is a micro-government, fighting wars of its own creation for profit."

"Monday I start my new job at PepsiCo. They told me I need to show up with nothing but a Can O' Dew attitude."

"I got two packs o' sugar... Call me Two Canes ^I'm ^sorry."

"What do you call a chick who studies astronomy and has a big booty? Hubble butt."

"Me: The Calvin and Hobbes movie was awesome! Her: Idiot, that was Life of Pi. Me: Whatever *gets in cardboard time machine, flies to Mars*"

"This is Ray. http://i.imgur.com/BZfRQEt.png"

"My superpower is acting like I'm trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it."

"People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones."