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Joke of the Day

"""Buttocks! Sexy sexy buttocks! Introduce me to your buttocks! My name is Tony!"" - from my new song, ""Dusk in Vienna"""

"I tried to force feed my child... After a while, my wife said, ""Just use a fucking spoon Mike, you're not a Jedi."""

"Where do we keep our thoughts detained? In brain cells!"

"Tower: Shamu two-two please state estimated time of arrival. Pilot: Ok let's see... I think Tuesday would be nice..."

"Why did the pirate become a tenor? Because he has a lot of experience on the high C."

"Say what you want about pedophiles At least they go the speed limit in school zones.."

"Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance? A: 144 blondes."

"Did you hear about the the leper hockey game? There was a face off in the corner."

"Why can't Mexico beat the US in the Olympics? Because all their runners, jumpers and swimmers are already here."

"A guy once told me life's too short to stress, but it turned out that life's much shorter for people who give advice to stressed out people."