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Joke of the Day

"How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife?"

"Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water Waiter: No problem, I'll get you a new one Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports"

"What happens when you fingerbang a gypsy on her period? You get your palm red."

"I almost had to fight someone today after they hit me with a stick, but he walked away like he didn't even see me."

"As a kid I was forced to walk the plank... We couldn't afford a dog"

"Why was the UKIP voter angry? Because he didn't like the look of the Poles (for this to make sense, pretend the UK election hasn't happened yet)"

"Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins."

"The police came to my door to tell me my dogs were chasing people on bikes. The fuck they are, I said. My dogs don't even have bikes."

"Johnny was a chemists son.... Johnny was a chemist's son, But Johnny is no more, What Johnny thought was H2O, Was H2SO4."

"A police man pulls over a car in the middle of the night ""Sir, do you realise how badly your car was swerving between lanes?"" ""I've had 8 drinks, officer."" ""That's no excuse to let your wife drive..."""