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Joke of the Day

"Why can't you fool the aborted baby? It wasn't born yesterday."

"What is the female equivalent of a sausage fest? A clam bake edit: You guys are ridiculous, thanks for the steady stream of laughs"

"Eventually you're going to achieve self awareness in a padded cell, staring at your palm, realizing twitter was just all your personalities"

"I had to figure out what to do, to avoid a truck that had run a red light ... ... when suddenly I realized why the baseball had been getting bigger."

"Whats the month people get most drunk in? Febrewery"

"I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I'm actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site"

"What did the blind man say when he was asked what he thought about the renovation plan of his house? I don't know.. I just don't see it."

"What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull."

"I had to file a sexual harassment claim against a squirrel in the park yesterday... ...he wouldn't stop trying to grab my nut sack."

"He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted's memory lives on."