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Joke of the Day

"*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat* even if you already have a cat, *replaces it with a worse cat*"

"Um, I'm not ""complaining"" of chest pains *glares at paramedic* don't make this heart attack sound bratty"

"I hate girls with double standards unless they're pretty"

"Color-blind gang members always shoot the wrong guys."

"Muslim scientists.. Muslim scientists have invented a time-travel device that can transport an entire country back to the dark ages. They're calling it Islam'."

"My most redeeming quality is the fact that I return bottles for cash."

"Sad news. The end of a one-legged man I know is afoot."

"TIL that in 1991 Woody Allen and Rick Moranis had plans to make a film together... Honey I Fucked The Kids"

"Why did the groom ask his bride to wear white? Because he wanted his dishwasher to match the fridge and stove"

"ME: I think I have a get out of jail free card COP: this is a do 1 jail sentence get the next sentence 50% off & it's for our other location"