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Joke of the Day

"Why should you always carry a knife around? Because sharp wits won't always give you the edge."

"Did you hear about the blind circumciser? He got the sac"

"[at gym] me: [wiping down equipment after finishing with it] cute girl: you don't have to do that with the vending machine. are you crying"

"How many SRSers does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They wait for the electrician to make a mistake and yell at them for doing it wrong."

"I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work."

"Only 90s kids will get this DEEZ NUTS"

"[job interview] ""Have any questions?"" Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?"

"If you cut off a mommy blogger's head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes."

"They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it's gone."

"What did Sean Connery say when a book fell on his head? ""I have only my shelf to blame"""