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Joke of the Day

"Happiness is a relative thing. I finally have some extra money and suddenly my relatives are happy."

"There's a knock at my door. Jehovah's Witness. I decided to let him in. I go, ""Now what?"" He says, ""I dunno...I never got this far."""

"What's the best way to make your wife scream when you're having sex? Call her up and tell her where you are."

"*in-flight announcement* A SNICKERS IS JUST A MARS BAR WITH PEANUTS *struggling noises* PEOPLE HAVE A RIGHT TO KN-"

"IT: You deleted the OS? Me: I think so. IT: It didn't warn you? Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What's with the inquisition bro?"

"*hires sky writer* I K N O W Y O U A T E T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P. I W A N T A D I V O R C E K A R E N."

"Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn't go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get."

"thanks for the $100 whole foods gift card i'm really going to enjoy this banana"

"I still miss my ex-wife BUT MY AIM IS GETTING BETTER"

"[job interview] Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?"