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Joke of the Day

"A leopard can carry something twice its weight into a tree and a cougar can carry something half her age to bed."

"I'd like to say some wise and meaningful shit, but the fact I just referred to it as ""shit"" shows just how meaningful I can be."

"No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat."

"Your swag is gonna look amazing on that Burger King application."

"Clinton goes around telling people we humans are genetically 99.9% similar. Apparently the 0.1% is the character gene."

"Spoil any movie by telling ur friend ""Ice Cube dies"" before they watch it. They'll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time"

"What's the difference between oooo and aaaa? about 3 inches"

"I wish ""it's the thought that counts"" worked for housework."

"DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person? ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I'm just a person, what bullshit question is this"

"I don't see how someone could mourn the loss of a Chinese dictator. It just seems unbereaveable to me."