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Joke of the Day

"my agent sent me a list of my followers & circled all crude avatars in red ink. if i dont block these people it WILL cost me the Arby's deal"

"No more gay jokes. Cum on guys."

"Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems"

"Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode."

"Why is six scared of seven?... Because seven was registered as a six offender."

"[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don't freak out"

"I'll run on the treadmill, I'll do the elliptical, I will even take a zumba class... But yoga is a stretch for me."

"Black holes suck. Think about it."

"What is Canadian graffiti like? Canadian graffiti be like, F WORD (sorry)"

"""What are you doing? Are you writing down everything I'm saying?! IS THIS GONNA BE A SONG?!?!"" -anyone dating Taylor Swift"