48367

Joke of the Day

"How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. The hard part is getting them into the light bulb."

"DATE: so what kind of writing do you do? ME: um, cursive, regular... DATE: no I mean- ME: actually I can't do cursive :/"

"Father Christmas lost his umbrella but he didn't get wet! Why not? Because it wasn't raining!"

"The wife came home last night and asked ""Is there anything on tv?"" I said ""yeah,dust!"" And then the fight started."

"Why are promise rings 1/10th the price of engagement rings? They only work 10% of the time."

"I hate how funerals are always at 9 or 10am... I'm not really a mourning person."

"My astronomy professor told me I was his star pupil."

"Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still."

"Free range chicken is better. The false illusion of freedom before slaughter makes them extra tender."

"when I see a girl tie a cherry stem with her tongue I put a whole fish in my mouth and pull out the skeleton then I leave with her boyfriend"