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Joke of the Day

"Sorry I can't pay for a new car right now, I'm still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014"

"Why did The Walrus go to a Tupperware party? He wanted to find a tight seal."

"Ways Ryan Gosling and I are similar: 1. Up to date on our vaccinations 2. I dunno, that's probably it and I'm not sure about that first one."

"When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting ""I'm pregnant"" to random numbers."

"A black man and an apple fall from a tree at the same time. What hits the ground first? The apple because the black man was stopped by a noose."

"What does a masturbating Latvian sound like? One potato two potato three potato splat!"

"I was in the pharmacy today... A man approached me offering either a blue pill or a red pill. I didn't know staying in false reality gave you a 24 hour erection."

"Ian: ""I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car."" Tim: ""You did what?!"" Ian: ""Baked you a pie."""

"Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I'm hesitant to start the car."

"First rule of ADHD club: Never talk about..Nice hat. You ever own a hamster? I did. Died. Watch me do a cartwheel! Ok, who wants brownies?"