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Joke of the Day

"I like to hold hands at the movies... which always seems to startle strangers."

"What's the difference between a school and an ISIS training camp? I don't know, i just fly the drone"

"Injections are just like your wedding night A little prick and then it's all over"

"Bed Bath & Beyond sells like 7 things that people actually buy and then just a bunch of other stuff that's been there since 1998."

"There was a soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray He's now a seasoned veteran."

"90s kids won't get this . . . Social Security benefits."

"GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks JOHNSON: like...river banks, or"

"I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down."

"I Like Long Walks on the Beach until the LSD wears off and it turns out I'm dragging a mannequin around a Wendy's parking lot"

"How many Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb? Don't know, the pope hasn't said yet. How many Lutherans does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, Lutherans don't change."