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Joke of the Day

"When I'm with you, I'm breathless. My pulse quickens and I can feel my entire body getting hot. Also, you're a treadmill and I'm asthmatic."

"[magic show] MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card... ME: Your VISA card MAGICIAN: God dammit!"

"Batman- See, kids? Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference."

"Why don't Canadians wear tank tops? They don't have the right to bare arms"

"Wife: Why do I have a temperature of 101.3? Me: Maybe you're pregnant? Wife: What's wrong with you? *damn you webMD, damn you."

"Romantic Remembrance by Valentine Card"

"What's green and smells like pig shit? Kermit's finger."

"Facebook is pretty much the Wal-Mart of the internet."

"Knock Knock Who's there ! Billy Bragg ! Billy Bragg who ? Billy Braggs too much tell him to stop it !"

"What's the difference between a dead baby and a Porsche? I don't have a Porsche sitting in my garage"