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Joke of the Day

"Wife: Why do I have a temperature of 101.3? Me: Maybe you're pregnant? Wife: What's wrong with you? *damn you webMD, damn you."

"Why do software engineers tend to not care about trigger warnings? They're not trigger errors."

"[front of card] No one will find your body [open card] as attractive as I do [back of card] lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft"

"TIL: To never trust a fart."

"If you steal ideas from only one person, it is called plagiarism. If you steal from many people, it is called research."

"What do you call a cow with no legs.. Ground beef"

"Yeah, I knew Shakespeare in college. Typical neck bard."

"My friend is dressing as an owl for Halloween he's a hoot to be around"

"[Personal ad] Seeking hostile female rage rhino to suffocate me with her thighs. Smoker's cough a plus. Oxygen tank required. No crazies."

"I'm not racist... ...I own a colored tv."