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Joke of the Day

"""Hey, I can see my house from here!"" - homeless people, almost all the time"

"WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same"

"That new vet really screwed up my pig's colonoscopy He's pretty ham-fisted"

"I know what I am going to name my first yacht Z. I can't wait to be a dad"

"""Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted,"" said my dad. ""Are you kidding? Really?!"" I shouted. ""Yup, get ready,"" he said. ""They'll be picking you up in about an hour."""

"Just put my phone on airline mode. That's when it delays your texts for no reason & acts like it's doing you a favor when it does send them."

"How do you separate the men from the boys in Sparta? With a crowbar."

"Why did the console player cross the road? To render the other side."

"A cannibal in the jungle passed his brother. Think about that."

"Why did the drill sergeant get a dishonorable discharge? He couldn't keep his hands off his privates"