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Joke of the Day

"(Age 22) *chugs bottle of water* Let's shoot some more hoops! (Age 42) *chugs bottle of water* I gotta pee."

"Today's laugh Every day I tell myself: ""Jack, you have to stop drinking"". Good thing my name ain't Jack!"

"5,""So we don't get to open any presents today?"" Me, ""No."" 5, ""So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?"""

"What did the ear of corn say when all of its clothes fell off? ""Aww, shucks!"""

"To ease tension in crowded elevators I yell ""George Lopez is a comedic genius!"" Then I get stabbed with an ice pick & I don't have insurance"

"Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy. Me: Did it work?"

"What's below the Pyrenees? A pair of ankles"

"GOOD COP: Give us a name! PERP: Never! TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has- PERP: Okay I'll talk, please just stop!"

"A guy spilt his cup of milk on me How dairy!"

"I used to think I was schizophrenic. But then the voices in my head said I was fine."