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Joke of the Day

"(Age 22) *chugs bottle of water* Let's shoot some more hoops! (Age 42) *chugs bottle of water* I gotta pee."

"My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she'll just get the dog all wet."

"Cute guy: Can I pet your dog? Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. :("

"""Sorry, I forgot to pay attention. But yeah, I have no idea where we are now. There definitely shouldn't be cows."" ~me giving directions"

"I'm often accused of being condescending. That means I talk down to people."

"Getting to bed early so I can be well rested and fully alert for my morning anxiety."

"My wise grandfather once told me, ""The small things in life are often the most beautiful."" Guess that explains my midget fetish."

"Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt"

"Little known fact: Arizona's state flower is pavement."

"Addicted Say ""addicted"" after everything I say. What is someone who takes drugs? What is someone who drinks? What hit you in the face last night?"