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Joke of the Day

"""Sorry, I forgot to pay attention. But yeah, I have no idea where we are now. There definitely shouldn't be cows."" ~me giving directions"

"We built this city on rock n roll, bits of hair, couple of pieces of carpet we found. It's a horrible place to live honestly."

"I have literally never seen a mattress store with customers in it"

"Why aren't there any French Restaurants in Davy Jones' Locker? Dead men sell no snails!"

"Nice guys finish last. And with me, women don't finish at all."

"Lets play army Want to play army? I can lay down and you can blow the hell out of me."

"*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it* *audience claps politely*"

"There are two kinds of friends : those who are around when you need them, and those who are around when they need you."

"Which Lord Mayor of London was always on the Internet? Click Whittington"

"So I went to an Ethiopian restaurant last week... and I am still waiting for the food."