47108

Joke of the Day

"when you push a pull door and the person behind says ""you need to pull"" aye cheers lad sure next plan was to start lifting from the bottom"

"(Date) ""What's wrong?"" Oh nothing I'm just a nervous hummer ""Aw how cute!!"" *perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*"

"What's 50 Cent's name in Zimbabwe? 400 Million Dollars."

"My abs are like tan(pi/2) They're undefined."

"Saw a chameleon today... must've been a really shitty chameleon."

"Why are outdoor workers so in fit? Cause they work out."

"How to cow tip: First, sneak up behind the cow. Next, get into a wide stance. Finally, slip the money into it's bell."

"Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?"

"Netflix just asked me to rate 'Spy Kids 2' and I clicked ""I haven't seen it"" but I have. I have seen it. A lot."

"If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I'm dead and someone is wearing my skin"