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Joke of the Day

"If the CIA has my house bugged they've heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy."

"I never keep toilet paper in the guest bathroom. They don't need that kind of incentive to visit again."

"Asked my ex-husband once for song requests. He said he wanted to hear the sound of silence. So I sang, ""Hello darkness, my old friend...."""

"How many dead-heads does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They just let it burn out and follow it around for twenty years."

"How does Planned Parenthood paint their walls? They go to Home Depot, get paint and rollers Sometimes they hire private contractors Lots of paint and tarps and tape, it's not that fun"

"Question : if you fart at the gym can people wearing headphones still smell it? Asking for a friend"

"I read a story by a pregnant woman on reddit She was having trouble with her pregnancy, and she said she would post an update after it was over. OP delivered."

"I don't always tell dad jokes But when I do, he laughs"

"What did the Scandinavian say at his Grandmothers funeral? She was a Swede old lady but now shes Finnish"

"I'd like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, ""omg you look like hell."""