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Joke of the Day

"After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I've successfully installed Java. He hates me."

"I once dated a girl who told me she had had sex with Mr. Peanut. She was fucking nuts."

"When Asian tourists ask me to take their picture for them; I always say, ""Okay let's do one more but this time don't squint"

"I met a guy with a tattoo on his penis that said ""Shorty"". When he got an erection, it said ""Shorty's Truck Stop Chattanooga, Tennessee""."

"Knock Knock Who's there ! Amaso ! Amaso who ? Amaso sorry you don't remember me !"

"UGH, I was planning this big romantic dinner for two and then my wife called to say she'd be home."

"2012: Oh no, my iPhone is at 10% and there's no charger. 1812: Oh no, winter is starting."

"How do you make a cat go woof? Paraffin and matches."

"My friend Jerry was going to be a pilot... but that career never took off."

"The worst birthday present I ever got... ...was from my grandma when i turned 5. She gave me three socks. When asked why, she responded ""because your mom said you grew a foot."""