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Joke of the Day

"Why are quantum physicists bad lovers? When they find the position, they can't find the momentum. When they find the momentum, they can't find the position."

"*texting with my mom* Mom: I miss your handsome face! Me: Aww..thanks, mom! I miss you too! Mom: Sorry. Wrong number."

"Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call."

"My friend was putting lipstick on her forehead She said she was trying to make-up her mind"

"I've started a new business making statues of people who can tell the future... ...so far, I'm making a prophet."

"My girlfriend's father called me a pedophile just because she's 22 and I'm 36. Completely ruined our 10-year anniversary."

"What kid blows you and gets you all wet? El Nino"

"My husband fell asleep while watching Memento...was shocked to find ""remember to NOT trust your wife"" written on his forehead with a Sharpie"

"What do you call a destroyed bomb shelter in Poland? A helter-skelter Hitler shelter."

"Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is ""good"" champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!"